Mission: Accelerate the Renaming
of the Country after Our Sovereign. This, in a nutshell, is the task
cut out for the hush-hush group I was invited to join last month: we are
one of the Sovereign's secret weapons for 1973. Our task is to keep
Our Great Leader in the public eye. The vehicle (and no pun is intended
here) is the Marcos jeep, or at least, the philosophy behind it.
There is, of course, nothing
special about the Marcos jeep except that stenciled on either side are
the words: “Medical Assistance to Rural Communities and Other Sectors”
whose abbreviation spells the name of Our Great Leader. The task
of our supersecret group is simply to rename as many government agencies
as possible in such a way that the acronym spells the sacred name of the
Sovereign now gloriously reigning.
“Even if the Commission
on Elections bans all billboards, streamers, and media advertising for
the next presidential elections,” the project director boasted, “we will
still be able to keep Our Great Leader in the public eye.”
The first phase of the program
will involve the renaming of all military and police units, he revealed.
“The Air Force will be renamed ‘Military Arm Responsible for Covering Our
Skies’; the Navy, ‘Military Arm Responsible for Covering Our Seas......
“And I suppose the Army
will be renamed ‘Military Arm Responsible for Covering Our Soil,’” I interrupted.
“No” he snapped, “we considered
that but rejected it because it strongly suggests that the Army is lying
down on the job or at least falls down on it. No, the Army will be
known as ‘Military Arm Responsible for Covering Our Shores.’”
He continued, “The PC [Philippine
Constabulary] will be renamed ‘Men Armed to Repress Crime and Organize
Security’; all city-police forces will be called ‘Metropolitan Agencies
to Restore Calm, Order, and Serenity’; and all municipal police forces
will be known as ‘Municipal Agencies to Restore Calm, Order, and Serenity.’
The riot squads will be named ‘Military Administration to Repel the Communist
Offensive among Students.’
“Think of every plane, boat,
tank, truck, jeep, trailer, car, and motorcycle bearing the name of Our
Great Leader! Think of every soldier and policeman bearing the name
of Our Great Leader on his uniform! Just think,” he enthused, “everytime
there is a rebellion, a riot, a smuggling attempt, a murder, a rape, a
robbery, or a theft, people will automatically think of Our Great Leader
if they do not do so already!”
“But surely,” I objected,
“not everyone gets to see the Armed Forces and the police. In fact
a lot of people I know do their best to avoid them.”
“That’s just the first phase.
It will prepare the public to see more and more things carrying the name
of Our Great Leader. We will terminate phase one by getting every
single motor vehicle in the country to carry Our Sovereign's name.
All license plates and those luminous red bumper stickers will carry the
name of the Land Transportation Commission which will be changed to ‘Ministry
Accountable for the Regulation of the Cars on Our Streets.’”
The second phase of the
operation calls for renaming all those agencies which have a lot of branches
throughout the country.
“All schools will be renamed.
Elementary schools will be known as ‘Minor Administration Responsible for
Children's Obtaining Skills,’ while high schools will be known as ‘Major
Administration Responsible for Children's Obtaining Skills.’ The
Department of Health will be dubbed the ‘Medical Agency Responsible for
the Care of Our Sick’ we say ‘care’ rather than ‘cure’ because we cannot
guarantee cures and the PACD [Presidential Action on Community Development]
will be renamed ‘Mobilization of Activities to Raise the Countryside's
Over-all Standards.’”
I shook my head. “If
you want pervasive impact, why not use the mass media?”
“But we will,” the
project director cried. “Everytime a radio or TV station signs off,
the announcer has to state that the station operates under a license from
the Radio Control Board. Well, the Radio Control Office will be known
as the ‘Ministry Accountable for Radio, Communications, and Other Systems.’”
“Before every single movie,
patrons will see the name of Our Great Leader because the Board of Censors
for Motion Pictures will be known as ‘Moviegoers’ Academy to Regulate Cinematic
Over-exploitation of Sex.’ As for the newspapers, people in the Palace
are trying to convince General Hans Menzi to rename the Manila Bulletin
and the Liwayway publications ‘Menzi’s Accurate Reporting of the Chronicles
of Our State.’”
Rubbing his hands gleefully,
the project director continued, “In any case every magazine will have to
carry the name of Our Great Leader. Every magazine has to carry a
sworn statement to the Bureau of Posts on ownership and circulation.
This statement will carry the name of Our Great Leader because the Post
Office will be known as ‘Ministry Accountable for Routing Correspondence
through Our State.’”
“Imagine, every single letter
and package will be postmarked with the name of Our Sovereign!”
“Wouldn't it be simpler
to just issue stamps bearing his picture?” I asked.
“That’s been tried,” he
sighed, “but it didn't work too well because too many people kept on spitting
on the wrong side of the stamp.” He continued, “The Bureau of Animal
Industry will be known as ‘Menagerie of Acclimatized Rams, Chicks, Oxen,
and Swine’ and each of these animals - except the chickens,
of course, but we're trying to see what can be done - will
be branded with the name of Our Lord and Master. The Society for
the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is not enthusiastic about the idea
of a six-letter brand. I admit that it's going to be excruciatingly
painful for the animals, but in a cause as noble as ours, certain sacrifices
just have to be made.”
“What about the danger that
some unscrupulous person who happens to have the same name as Our Great
Leader claims that all the animals are his own?” I asked.
“If the guy is unscrupulous
enough, he’ll try to rustle the animals regardless of what the brand is.
The Golden Buddha did not carry the name of Our Great Leader but that didn't
stop a certain judge with the same name from ordering its seizure.
As I said, we just have got to take certain risks and be willing to make
certain sacrifices in this noble crusade of ours.”
Phase three involves renaming
all those offices that produce a lot of reports, documents, papers, and
official receipts. “Every single coin and bill will bear the new
name of the Central Bank - ‘Monetary Agency Responsible for
the Currency of Our State.’ Other new names will include ‘Missions
Accredited to Represent the Country Over Seas’ for the Department of Foreign
Affairs; ‘Ministry to Amplify Resource, Currency, and Organizational
Systems’ for the President’s Economic Staff, and ‘Mandatory Acquisition
of Resources Commandeered by Our State’ for the Bureau of Internal Revenue.
“The Department of Social
Welfare will be known as ‘Miscellaneous Activities for the Relief of the
Crushed, the Oppressed, and the Suffering’; all relief materials, all clothing,
canned goods, nutri-buns, will carry the name of Our Great Leader.
Whenever natural disaster strikes, people will automatically think of Our
Sovereign. The more disastrous the calamity, the more they will be
reminded of him.”
“But I thought phase three
involved only those offices that produced a lot of documents, reports,
and papers,” I objected.
“Sir,” he retorted, “the
Department of Social Welfare’s output of press and photo releases weighs
at least ten times the mass of the relief goods that actually reach the
real disaster victims. It is for this reason that the National Science
Development Board (which will come to be known as ‘Miniscule Agency Ritualistically
Conducting Operations in Science’) is conducting experiments on the transmutation
of press releases into foodstuffs and they hope to achieve a breakthrough
by 1973.”
The project group is also
working to enlist the Church in the movement to keep Our Great Leader in
the public eye. “We are going to donate a Bible to every single and
married priest, brother, nun, and seminarian. The catch is, every
Bible will be marked ‘Miraculous Account of the Redemption through
Christ Our Savior.’ Can you imagine every preacher reading to his
parishioners, ‘Lesson from MARCOS, according to Luke, chapter 4, verses
such-and-such to such-and-such’?”
Another special project
is to enshrine Our Lady and Master as the center of attraction in every
single town plaza in the country. “Although a statue of Rizal occupies
the central position in almost every plaza, we are going to one-up Rizal.
We will pass a law under which every single Rizal monument -
from the one in the smallest barrio-must be marked with the legend: ‘Memorial
Accorded to Rizal, the Country’s Oracle and Seer.’”
“You seem to have thought
of everything,” I marveled. “It's almost as if you have no problems
at all.”
“But we do have problems,”
he confessed, “but we're working on them..” He introduced me to the
Palace psychologist, a post-menopause woman who acted like a coquettish
bobby-soxer, who, he said, would fill me in on the most difficult problem
they had encountered.
The Palace psychologist
gigglingly pontificated, “According to a series of psychosexual surveys
we have taken and analyzed in the approved Freudian-Pavlovian manner, Our
Great Leader's image suffers from an unfortunate identification with the
most negatively cacheted aspects of the present anomic situation in general
and the guilt-associated aspects of the family planning movement in particular.”
“Just what the hell does
that mean?” I asked.
Looking at me as if I was
a retarded child, the Palace psychologist said, “The statistics clearly
shows that the longer Our Great Leader has stayed in office, the more people
do not feel that it is possible to support a child under the current sociopolitical
system. A clinically trained person like myself would interpret this
to mean that they tend to look on Our Great Leader as a walking advertisement
for birth control.
“When you couple this evidence
with the statistics showing that the longer Our Great Leader remained in
office, the more crimes against persons were committed, the conclusion
is inescapable that a considerable number of people have gone further than
birth control. It seems that there is a growing movement for retroactive
contraception. The most logical object of retroactive contraception
would be Our Great Leader but with the battalions of bodyguards he has
around him, it would be suicide to try. Hence many direct their rage
and frustration against others - and here we get homicide,
or against themselves - and here we get suicide.”
“Do you have any ideas on
how this problem may be solved?” I asked.
“Yes,” she giggled.
“First we will rename the Family Planning Organization of the Philippines
the ‘Mobilization for Abortion, Rhythm, Condoms, and Ovulation Suppressants.’
Our Leader's name and/or picture will be on every pill, every condom, every
jelly, every IUD. Whenever a couple makes love, they will see the
name or picture of Our Great Leader and, especially if the device they
use is either a condom or an IUD, they will feel his presence even at the
height - and in the depth - of their ecstasy!
“We will thus be linking
Our Great Leader with the joys of sex: sex without guilt, sex without fear,
sex without the bother of having a child! Just as Pavlov's dogs salivated
every time they heard a bell, people will think of making love whenever
they see the name or picture of Our Great Leader, whose middle initial
will come to stand for ‘Eros!”
Lifting her arms like a
Vestal Virgin making some kind of sacrifice, she crowed, “The people cannot
but associate Our Leader and Master with the greatest pleasure known to
man.” I nodded. “I have just seen the campaign slogan,”
I said. “The President is a pill.”
The project director beamed
at me. “Well do you have any suggestion?”
I hesitated. “Have
you thought of a new name for the Department of Public Sanitation?”
I wondered.
He shook his head.
“It wouldn't be very appropriate, would it, to have the name of Our Sovereign
plastered on the side of every garbage can and dump truck.”
“I thought so,” I sighed,
“and yet there's such a marvelous name for it.”
His face lit up. “Tell
me. If it's good, maybe we can use it.” I said, “Manpower
Aggregating Refuse, Crap, and Other Shit.”